Descojonante xD
Last week’s joke just broke a million so it’s worth explaining a thing or two about what is going on. The accent is Glaswegian, or at least a close approximation from hearing my Weegie parents scream it at me for past 41 years. Scots talk like Nuyoricans in that they ignore consonants and blend their vowels together in a big ball of word. They’re accent is so contorted in fact, it can change the shape of your face. This twisted mouth is called “Sham Gabbit” and is seen as a patriotic badge of pride (so’s a knife scar across your face).
Here’s the rant translated into English…
“GOING TO GIVE US, GOING TO GIVE ME A HAND HERE…”
Scots always start out friendly and open minded. They embrace everyone with open arms which is why they go so ballistic when betrayed.
I shouldn’t have pronounced it “hand” as the Glaswegian pronunciation sounds more like “horn.”
“GETTIN SOMETHING TO EAT. AND UH SOMETHING SIMPLE LIKE A CHIP BUTTY AND MAYBE A JAMMY DODGER…”
I shouldn’t have said a chip butty because that’s what the English call it. In Scotland it’s called a chip piece or some shit. I’m amazed about how much starch drunks in both countries (actually provinces of the same country but don’t say that to a Scot) can handle. I guess they need it to soak up all the booze. It’s perfectly normal for someone to get spaghetti (spagbowl) with a side of chips. They also take bread with that but not rice. They don’t like rice. When you get Chinese food (a Chinky) you have to make a special request for rice. Otherwise it’s a cardboard container of vegetables and chicken on a bed of chips.
“AND THEN A PINT OF, I DON’T KNOW, YOU KNOW? McCEWAN’S LAGER OR A CALEDONIAN 80.”
At my Uncle’s pub in Glasgow the men will talk for hours about beer. They’ll ask me what I’m having and if it’s say Tenants for example, they’ll say, “Och, that’s a woman’s pint – here, try this” then they’ll slide over their pint. Soon, you’re trying about half a dozen different pints and trying not to say, “They all taste exactly the same.” They also buy a round no matter who needs it which is annoying because I don’t like drinking 5 pints at once.
Sometimes my Uncles calls me here in New York and tells me what beers are on tap at his pub (Witherspoon’s). I don’t know what to do with this information.
“OH FOR FUCK’S SAKES. SEE ME? RIGHT?..”
My dad’s from a shitty area called the Gorbals and over there they introduce every noun before saying a sentence. As in: “See me? See my ma? See fish? My ma hates fish.” I think the vernacular developed because you’re so often talking to a drunk, you have to lead him by the hand to each part of the sentence, no matter how simple that sentence is.
“I WANT A JAMMY DODGER LIKE A FUCKING JAM SANDWICH AND A CHIP BUTTY. THAT’S JUST BREAD WITH CHIPS. I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO GET INTO THE PINTS. JUST GET ME THAT.”
I was thinking of a “Jelly Piece” not a Jammy Dodger. The latter is a biscuit. The former is a jam sandwich. My dad grew up in a council estate (UK projects) and they’d play soccer in the center of the buildings almost 24 hours a day. When a kid shows up, he just goes on the team with less players and so on and so on. There’s no score. When the kids got tired they’d yell up, “Here Ma, gonnee gee us a jelly piece?” and it would come flying out the window wrapped in newspaper. Ah, the good ‘ol days.
“LOOK YOU, YA FUCKING COW! I NEED A SANDWICH, A JAMMY DODGER, IT’S JUST BREAD AND JAM. FUCK THE CHIP BUTTY. FUCK THE McCEWAN’S LAGER. CAN YOU JUST DO THAT PLEASE, YOU FUCKING COW!?”
Glaswegians pronounce cow “coo” so like “horn” that was an error. I also should have switched up cow with cunt at the end but now we’re getting into semantics. I saw many commenters noticed it was just a phone case at the end. This is true though I did shatter the case against the ground if that helps.
Anyway, I was born in England but my parents are Scottish and I spent plenty of summers in Glasgow as a kid. I still visit about once a year. Here’s some posts about the last visit.
