I actually had a long post prepared, but given the circumstances, I decided to rewrite it, so you guys have a more genuine, less PR heavy post to read.
Anyways, wall of text incoming.
Summary of the split (my point of view):
First off, TSM has been great to me. Everyone treated me as an equal from day 1, even though I am more or less a newcomer to the professional scene (1st year of LCS). We all came in fresh, everyone tried hard to work with one another, and everyone tried their hardest.
Early on in the season, we had a lot of struggle implementing me into the TSM system, i.e.aggressive lanes and a supportive and vision heavy jungler - something I obviously wasn't used to as CW had more passive solo laners and never became riskfully active without the presence of a jungler. During that time, I was also heavily targeted in pick and bans, possibly due to the infamous reddit AMA answer, but more likely due to the fact that only few junglers practised anything out of the top 4.
Regardless, the Xin game went well, the Volibear game not so much - both games were winnable however and were lost due to us not having any synergy as a team, and shotcalling was non-existent.
Throughout the split we were quite underwhelming, especially versus teams like Dig/LMQ who were almost unable to beat in the regular season, whereas we were able to beat the bottom 3 teams with a record of 11-1.
The incosistency stemmed from us not really knowing how to play the game because we were having difficulties to form dedicated shotcaller - a role we assigned shortly to Gleeb, then to me and in the end to Bjergsen, making me a secondary shotcaller.
We were individually good enough to win lanes and then win teamfights, a prime example is the first game we had versus Curse. But quite frankly, it didn't cut it versus better teams, and at that time LMQ and Dig were the most punishing - their vision and nashor control was insane.
We struggled as a team. Synergy wasn't there. Communication was unefficient and moreover, nonexistent.
When synergy started to establish, and we started to actually know how to play mid and late game - we started winning.
That's how easy it was.
We beat everyone in NA, and had a good run at worlds, beat almost everyone team consistently in scrims (besides NWS/SSW) and I honestly believe if we beat SK the final game of groups, we would be the one going to the finals now instead of SHRC.
Anyways, that was just a quick rundown, so you can more or less track my personal struggles that I will explain now:
In the beginning of the split, everything was just new to me. I was excited being in LA, I loved the weather, I loved to see the United States for the first time in my life. I loved to get to know everyone on the team, and everyone around the team - from Regi to Gleeb. It felt like a dream come true. I was happy, in one split I made it from amateur to TSM, which was quite the accomplishment to anyone that knows League!
It took me some time to settle in, and have the feeling of new-ness? die down. It honestly happened by the end of week 2. We were 3-3 at this point, suffering losses to LMQ/C9 and CLG - direct competitors for the NA crown at that point. My carry-jungle playstyle didn't work at all. I couldn't just farm and have shotcalling lead me as I apply my mechanical prowesses on the rift. That's not how it worked for us, noone knew exactly how to play the game from mid to late game, and we couldn't directly help it. Experience with one another and knowing how people play under every circumstance is something most teams already figure out in their challenger run up to LCS, or in Alliance's case, in the not as important spring split.
We obviously didn't have that luxury of extra time to establish that kind of synergy. We basically had to pack 8 months of practise into one split. Stress ensued, work stress. But it was easy to handle, everyone was dedicated, and we tried as hard as we could, no negativity amongst the crowd and we all had a common goal, WORLDS.
Most people gave us time to grow, others didn't. And with others, I obviously mean parts of reddit, and moreover the infamous duo on Summoning Insight.
Instead of analytical fairness, they provided halftruths, that most people that don't have the game understanding didn't question any further. And I was a primary target.
But those half-truths soon became the social media hivemind.
I have faced a lot of adversity in my life, people more or less telling me that I am an idiot for what I am trying to become (pre-LCS), even amongst some of my now ex-friends, and we had a decent amount of internal struggle in Copenhagen Wolves and I faced all of it.
What I forgot however, is how I usually coped with stress. I went back home, or I simply took my time to take a step back from the game and enjoy an evening somewhere. Taking time for yourself instead of playing those extra 2-3 soloQ games can really make a difference - but I was stuck on an island in LA.
For those that don't know me as well as friends or family, I am not the most social person - I will have a day out or 2 and then come home and recharge my internal battery. Home wasn't in the US however, and my friends weren't either. Neither is there any public transportation in LA but cabs and neither was I 21, nor am I a sports person anymore, so the stuff I did to cope weren't existing.
It was insanely hard for me to reset. Face struggles of an early adultlife, face adversity and pressure, and furthermore meet our own expectations. I felt homesick, not necessarily because I missed home, but simply because I could never go back into my own shell, even for a couple of hours. In a different country, with people I didn't know, under consistent exposure (social media/LCS/streams), and with tons of adversity to showboat.
I went back to EU for my Visa after the final week. I got my documents, I met friends, I spent time with my family, and I came back rejuvenated. We had a strategically horrific series versus Dig, but we won. I felt like this was the moment to shine, and I did my best - I controlled those games I felt.
But due to the aforementioned already existing hivemind, I didn't get the credit I was hoping for - instead a lot of hate regarding my missed smite as Nunu, out of all the things in the series, that popped up the most. We still managed to win the playoffs, but at that point it was kind of clear to me, that no matter how well I did, I would only be a scapegoat for everything that goes wrong in TSM.
I didn't wanna fall back into very old habits that I haven't fallen into ever since I dropped out of school. I didn't wanna associate the game I love with negativity, so I decided to leave.
Out of all people I should blame myself. I am not the type of guy to go out his way to form relationships. I am not the type of guy to really be consistently outgoing, and I never really made an effort to replace OddOne as a public figure.
TL; DR; I was unable to adapt to NA as a person, and the benefit of being a player was nullified by the amount of hate I subjectively received.
Will this mean I'll retire? Hell no. Apparently everyone in EU suddenly became a jungle god, so I'll have fun showing that that isn't the case. Just like last spring split.
